Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize