I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize