He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
