I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
