omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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