U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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