just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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