Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
