i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Fuck appropriateness.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
