Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize