my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
