I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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