i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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