You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
