Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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