I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
