New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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