Yo dont text me then not text me
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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