How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
