My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize