Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
