I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
