plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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