hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I did not marry a roomba.
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