Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
