My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
