Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
