1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize