thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
