We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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