i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
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