I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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