I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
