U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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