Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Randomize
