We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
