I'm sorry my penis didn't work
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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