A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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