i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
