She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
