So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
