i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
