i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
