Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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