im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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