Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
