I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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