Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
