You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
