New invention idea: vibrating tampons
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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