My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize