my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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