i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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