i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
