12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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