my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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