i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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