i just google imaged poop.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
