i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
