are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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